


You and Me (Tonight)

by dean_and_cas_at_the_sea



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Winchester Takes Care of Castiel, Episode: s09e06 Heaven Can't Wait, First Kiss, Gap Filler, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28344882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dean_and_cas_at_the_sea/pseuds/dean_and_cas_at_the_sea
Summary: My version of the fanfiction gap in 09x06.Dean swallowed, still looking urgently at Castiel. More seriously now. "Shall we make a deal?“ Castiel tilted his head in confusion. He didn’t know if he liked how hopeful and sincere Dean’s voice had sounded."Explain,“ he pleaded."Lemme take care of you tonight. Let me - let us pretend we don’t have to part ways tomorrow,“ he whispered hoarsely, and Castiel could feel Dean’s hot breath on his face.When had Dean come closer? When had his face taken on that determined expression? So tender and troubled and - for lack of a better description - passionate? Castiel felt Dean’s hand on his thigh, his other hand on his back, and his heart raced. He saw Dean’s face so close and easily could have counted every single freckle if he hadn’t been in a complete turmoil.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 11
Kudos: 87





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so many headcanons as to what happened during the famous fanfiction gap in “Heaven Can’t Wait“ (09x06). Here is one version which I’ve actually dreamed about a few days ago. I just had to get it out of my system. :D 
> 
> There will be much comfort and tenderness later on, they just have to talk about some stuff before that. Here is the first chapter. :) 
> 
> (The fic title is from the song by Alistair Griffin. It’s a cheesy song but the lyrics fit Destiel/this particular night well. ;))

After they had eliminated Ephraim, Dean solely looked at him, acutely and sincerely as if he really wanted to know what was going on inside him. Dean’s eyes were more tender than Castiel had ever seen them, and he did not know whether these observations manifested in another way because Castiel was human now, or if he himself only interpreted them otherwise. No, Castiel reminded himself, it didn’t matter, the characteristics were not open to debate.

Originally, Dean had come to Idaho because of the case Castiel had contacted him about. Nonetheless, the case was successfully concluded now, and Dean would unload him and take his leave. Without question, Castiel missed Dean, he missed him with his whole being, and he realized that his new life could never give him that, would never make him feel as intensely as Dean did. For better or worse. Castiel would never be able to experience so much truth with anybody else. 

Yes, he wanted Dean in a way that would have been considered a sin in the past, but now he wasn’t a soldier of heaven anymore. No angel – he was nothing. And nothing certainly did not represent a person that Dean could find desirable in any way, even if Castiel had a female vessel. He wished Dean wouldn’t look at him as if he were his own personal light. It hurt him, made his head dizzy, and his throat was tight as if a rope was tied around his neck. 

"Where to, Cas?“ Dean asked.  
"You can drop me off at the Gas-N-Sip,“ Castiel said coolly. 

"It’s okay, pal. I drive you anywhere. Your home can’t be far away,“ Dean insisted. Home. Castiel winced. Dean had been his home, the person who had kept him grounded on earth.

"Dean, please, don’t make this awkward. I already feel embarrassed. I don’t own an apartment and certainly not a place to call home. I thought I had, but- So just take me to the shop, or I’ll walk.“ He had intended to yell, but the words had sounded raspy instead. 

"Cas,“ Dean breathed, his breath fluttering. Sighing, he started the engine, and Cas relaxed again. It was all right. Castiel had anticipated that it would develop this way. Dean had joked about him, had teased him about Nora, but Castiel had also read honest concern in his eyes. Maybe he did care about Castiel after all, or maybe Dean was simply trying to assuage his guilty conscience, trying to make sure Castiel was somehow okay before he vanished again. 

Dean seemed lost in thought, but he was also calmer than usual. Not as angry and quick-tempered. And for some reason, Dean spoke softly to him, considerately and the way Castiel had dreamed he would. Dean was a caring man, he knew that, but he had treated Castiel like a piece of trash. And he realized that Dean was trying to make it up to him, and basically Castiel was doing better anyway. But he had to understand, had to have an explanation. Still, he knew Dean and therefore knew not to expect anything. 

In the impala, Dean also told him once more to live a normal life while sitting so Dean-like in the driver’s seat, with his thighs spread, that Castiel admired him for his strength. On top of that, Castiel simply wanted to ask how exactly he was supposed to achieve that. He wanted to grab Dean, demanding him to answer, but he refrained from doing so. Suddenly the car was too tight, and he panicked. After a few minutes, Castiel clicked his tongue. 

"This is not the way to...“  
"Your workplace? Yeah, I’m aware. No way I’m gonna let you sleep there. We’re driving to my motel.“

Rationally speaking Castiel knew that Nora was a nice woman and Dean was an incorrigible idiot, but he also knew that his heart beat faster only in his presence. That only here, right now, did he want for Dean to pull him closer and-.

Fortunately, at that moment, Dean turned off the engine, interrupting the strange daydreams he’d been having with increasing frequency lately.

"What’s gotten into you, man? Wanna elaborate?“ Dean said as soon as they had closed the door.  
"Nothing, I feel tired, I told you.“  
"Bullshit. You’re avoiding me, and don’t tell me it’s because of the other day. We were getting along pretty well until just now. What happened?“

"Nothing at all, Dean,“ Castiel murmured softly. He lowered his eyes to the floor and counted the lines on the swamp green carpet. Dean grabbed his arm and turned him to face him. "Don’t lie to me!“

"I am not, Dean,“ Castiel scoffed now. "The encounter with Ephraim was not edifying, as you might imagine. And he was, after all, one of my own. I still think about Metatron, about what happened to the angels. And Nora, she was very lovely at the farewell, but I don’t feel good.“

"You were having the time of your life, you only had eyes for her. She likes you. It’s just a matter of time.“ What was he getting at? Dean’s features had hardened, the way he always looked when he was highly enraged. "I don’t know if I would call that amusing, fitting in, trying to blend in. That was your intention, wasn’t it?“

Dean didn’t seem to hear him, kept talking himself into a rage. "Anyway, you’re so different. So- Cas, you’re still you, but you’re also so different. And I know how hard being human all out of a sudden is for you. Hell, I should have been the one to-“ Castiel no longer understood who or what Dean was actually angry at.

"I mean, I’m here, ain’t I? But you don’t give a damn. You were very busy with the good Nora. Couldn’t discuss your next shifts with her fast enough just now.“

"You are jealous,“ Castiel stated incredulously. "She gave me a chance and that means a lot. She thinks I care a lot, that’s why I’m special. She thinks that.“ He sounded defiant, but he didn’t care. Dean was jealous, and Castiel needed to understand why. Although the hunting job was consuming and exhausting, it seemed more enjoyable than working at the Gas-N-Sip. 

What information was he missing?

"That so?“ Dean approached him as fast as a cheetah, forcing Castiel to back up to the wall. Without warning, Dean placed his hands to the left and right of his head and stepped even closer. His eyes were blazing with rage and glued to Castiel’s lips. Castiel had never felt so nervous, his hands sweating. "Well, I have to fucking disagree. I’d say you’re not special.“ 

Castiel rolled his eyes, feeling angry with himself. Even more so, he felt a twinge in his gut. Of course, he had been wrong, Dean was still mean. 

"You’re more than that“, Dean hissed now, as if to convince Castiel of that. "You’re not just special Cas, you’re the most amazing and intriguing person around. And I know that better than some nice woman you met some weeks ago. We’ve known each other for years. You don’t want nice all the time, you’re not nice to me often enough. We bicker on a daily basis. Nice and sweet is for the quiet, the- um intimate mo- Hell, you don’t- And what are you even getting at? I am nice, ain’t I?“ 

Dean looked at him, his wonderful green eyes captivating him more than ever, and then Dean pressed his body even tighter against his. Castiel understood that they were both irritated and tense, and that was why Dean was reacting this way, but he also felt aroused. They had never been this close for so long, and it was too overwhelming for him.

"Well, at the moment I like nice. Not some yelling and swearing and unfair accusation. Of course, you are nice, Dean, you can actually behave gentler than anyone else, but many times, you choose not to. And I don’t know if-“ 

Dean gritted his teeth, rumbling deep in his throat, backing away from Castiel. "Fine. You’re right. I’m an asshole. Guess it’s good we had that talk. I’m sure we’re both feeling peachy now. Fucking awesome. I hate this. I fucking hate it.“ 

Castiel didn’t know what Dean meant anymore. What he was saying no longer made sense to him. It had sounded like he was mad at him - Castiel - and also angry at himself and mad at a third party Castiel couldn’t identify. 

"What do you want from me, Dean?“ Castiel demanded.

Dean ran a hand through his hair, a gesture he always made when he was indecisive. "I’ve no frigging idea what you’re babbling about. I just- I don’t want anything from you.“ 

Castiel’s chest constricted. He couldn’t breathe, would have preferred to flee, but the selfish part of him couldn’t, he wanted to be with Dean. Still, that statement angered him.

"I figured this much, Dean. Thank you for reminding me of our farewell. I don’t want to think about the fact you threw me away like garbage simply because I changed.“

"Cas, that’s-“ Dean growled, tossing his jacket into the corner. He leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "That’s not fucking true. How can you even think that?“

"Because you pushed me away,“ Castiel finally replied. "Or do you want to deny that?“

"No, Cas, I fucking don’t,“ Dean roared now. "Damn right, I pushed you away. I did it, and you know what? I would do it again.“ Castiel narrowed his eyes. This was harsh and simultaneously exactly what he had feared. Every fiber of his body felt poisoned, everything ached.

"Thank you for your honesty. It was always a character trait I liked about you,“ Castiel said bitterly. "I understand if you don’t need me anymore. Still, after everything, after all those years I would have appreciated a less sudden and harsh procedure. I think I deserved that.“ And with that, his shoulders slumped, and tears leaked uncontrollably from his eyes. He hated his weakness, now more than ever. 

Dean ran to Castiel, put an arm on his shoulder, and Castiel had a déjà vu to the day, 4 years earlier, when Dean had looked at him with relief and adoration, and when the simple phrase "Don’t ever change“ had shaken up his entire being. Maybe, in retrospect, Dean hadn’t meant the phrase as a compliment at all. Perhaps it had been an instruction to remain as angelic as possible, hence Dean would be able to benefit from his powers further. 

"Cas, I can hear your thoughts, you dumbass.“  
"That is not possible. You have no such powers. Or are you-?“

"It was an expression. Damn, you are still so oblivious, and fuck, I- You’re so you. There is no one like you. No one I need this way. Why can’t you see that?“ Dean had only muttered the last words, and inhaled sharply. "Terrific. I wasn’t gonna say that out loud.“

"You remain a riddle to me. I know your soul, and there is so much which I do not understand. So much you do or say that does not make sense to me.“

Dean laughed, and winked at him, causing a comfortable tremor in Castiel.  
"I’m an idiot, okay? Was so glad you called. So thrilled,“ Dean whispered. "I left the bunker right away, dropped everything. I wanted to see you, needed to see you. It’s true, I’d do it again, send you away. But because I have to, not because I want to. That’s a huge difference, Cas.“ 

Dean growled, his eyes filled with pain. "Please. Let’s go back to being Dean and Cas, all right? Just for tonight. I won’t suck, for a change, and I’ll take care of you.“

"You will leave again.“ It wasn’t a question, a statement. Castiel had guessed, actually known, but hearing Dean say it now caused an aching in his throat.  
"Yeah, I gotta.“ Dean swallowed hard, and Castiel noticed his eyes had become moist. 

Then, for the fraction of a second, Castiel’s gaze lingered on his mouth, which looked so shapely Castiel’s head started to spin. 

Dean’s lips trembled, and Castiel didn’t know what was going on, but he finally understood that there was one thing that was weighing heavily on Dean’s mind. That for some reason he couldn’t talk about. 

"Okay,“ Castiel finally replied.

"Well what do you wanna do?“ Dean asked, clearly trying to break the silence.  
Cas gulped. "You want me to choose our activity?“

Dean smiled at him, and Castiel’s heart leapt. "Sure.“

"Reading, I’d like to read.“

Dean immediately tossed him one of his books and opened one of his own that he had apparently had taken with him. Although Dean always claimed not to like books, Castiel knew that he actually liked to read. Castiel had always admired Dean for his curiosity, his thirst for knowledge. 

He was incredibly intelligent, knew more about hunts and the local lore than anyone else. In many ways, probably more than Sam. He wondered how Sam was doing. Dean hadn’t talked about him at all yet, something that made Castiel wonder a lot. 

"You’re pretty snarky today,“ Dean remarked at one point. He wet his finger and flipped to the next page. Castiel snorted. "Are you seriously surprised? You made it abundantly clear the last time we met that you had no interest in having me in your life any longer. I assumed my distant behavior was in your best interest.“ He spoke in a very stilted way, which itself stung him. That was his protective attitude now, and Dean had brought this on himself. 

"Oh, Castiel.“ Dean sighed. "I’ve got a lot on my mind and - I can’t tell you what’s going on. Hell, I wish I could tell ya, you gotta believe me. You gotta know I didn’t mean that.“

"Do I? I wasn’t aware that it was my job to put up with your vulgarities and filter out the eventual true message. I do that often enough, of my own free will, but it’s not something you can put on me. You don’t make it easy for me. You pushed me away, put a few dollars in my hand, and then there was a complete radio silence.“ Castiel paused for a moment, because even now it felt good to finally get his worries off his chest.

"You didn’t get in touch at all, and you talked in riddles. Then you show up here out of the blue, being so kind, open, gentle, and just like I’ve come to know you and-.“ Love you, Castiel thought to himself, but hastily swallowed the sentence. "And then you want to talk to me again and spend time with me. What am I supposed to think of that?“ 

Being with Dean still felt as intense as Castiel remembered, even more intense, actually. But he was so afraid, so hugely afraid, that Dean saw everything differently. That there was still them, but that they were slowly floating apart. That Dean had decided to part ways forever, that they were looking in different directions. Even though Castiel didn’t want it, under any circumstances. 

"I’m sorry, I really am. You just confuse me.“ Dean’s last words had been hesitant to pass his lips, and that remark was something Castiel hadn’t anticipated for this day. "And it’s not true what you said. I would be thrilled to see you all the time, but I didn’t have the heart to reach out. After all, things were shitty between us. You say such smart and funny things, are adorable when you get so excited about stuff. When you contradict me. Who the hell wouldn’t want to spend time with you?“ 

Castiel looked up from his book and for the first time consciously looked at Dean. He looked incredibly tired, as if he had slept only one or two hours during the night. It was completely silent, and Castiel let his gaze roam the room for a few seconds. 

The motel room was not worn out, but it bore no warmth or familiarity. The furniture was old-fashioned, faded, and the wallpaper was too garish, and offered no aesthetics to the eye. All in all, the room was cold and did not invite him to stay - and yet, at the moment, all he wanted was to be here. With Dean. Again he looked at him. 

The tension between them was as tangible as a lower hanging branch on a tree, yet as mysterious as a person veiled beneath fog. Dean radiated pure inconsistency, his appearance told ever so much Castiel didn’t understand. Suddenly Dean’s entire posture changed, and he looked so broken that Castiel felt the urge to take him in his arms. To kiss the lines of worry from his face. 

"What do you want, Dean?“ he rephrased his question from before.  
"Are you kidding me? What the hell does it look like? Be with you, obviously.“ Dean set the book down on the table and fiddled with the collar of his shirt.  
"Why?“ 

Just one word, but for Castiel the answer to that question carried a huge weight, could determine how this evening continued.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here comes chapter 2. :) They talk a bit more, and there’ll also be pining and cuddling. Enjoy!

"Because. I’m tired of hurting you. I like talking to you and at least that should still be possible. I hope.“ If Castiel had his way, it was possible. Of course. Who should and could decide whether they saw each other or not? 

Dean continued fussing with his shirt, then kneaded his hands. Was Dean nervous? Castiel didn’t know that side of Dean, not when they were interacting. Dean always hid such insecurities behind his mask of anger and sarcasm. Castiel remained silent. 

"Whaddaya say?“ asked Dean after a while. His voice sounded smoky and shaky, and Castiel felt a tingle all over his body.  
"I take note of it,“ Castiel finally replied as uninvolved as possible, and turned his attention back to his book.

"Do you want to- are you going to sleep here? Or are you about to hit me over the head with a book and drag my unconscious body behind the garbage cans?“ Castiel smirked. Dean’s humor still appealed to him, maybe. Definitely.  
"Of course. As to your second question: who knows.“ 

That was all he said. Had Dean really just made another step towards him? Did he, after all, wanted to have more to do with Castiel than he had first let on? Hope rose in him, that treacherous, cruel hope. 

Two hours passed, and they quietly went about their reading. Now and then, Castiel caught a glimpse of Dean, and each time he caught Dean’s gaze. Each time Dean looked away, not without his lips adorning that little half-smile that Castiel liked so much. 

Not everything was "normal“ again, but this special familiarity between the two had instantly re-established itself. And that did him a world of good. He smiled slightly.  
"I know I’ve been kind of a dick.“ Dean’s voice broke. "But I’ll explain everything to you.“

"That would be a nice gesture. But what would it change?“ Castiel asked, carelessly closing his book. Dean sighed, throwing his book onto the bed.  
Then he stood up, stopping in front of Castiel. "Don’t do this, Cas.“  
"I don’t understand what you are talking about.“

"You do. You- do you even want to be here? I can book myself another room if that’s what you want. I just want you to be safe, man.“ Castiel made a frustrated sound and stood up in front of Dean. 

"So far you’ve done a fucking shitty job in that regard, if I might say so myself,“ Castiel spat back at him. "A fucking abysmal job. I’ve been sleeping on the streets for nights on end, not knowing if I’m going to get attacked in the middle of the night. Whether I’d freeze to death, whether I’d have enough food. I was helpless and so alone. And you, you didn’t care. You said we’re family, and then you pushed me away when I had nothing left. When my whole existence was wiped out. And I think you’re fucking ungrateful. And an ass.“ 

Castiel flared his nostrils, and he realized that it had done him a damn sight of good to say those thoughts out loud for once, and more importantly, to say them to Dean. Even if it didn’t change anything, he knew it made him understand what was going on inside him. 

He wanted Dean to feel pain too, and at the same time, he hated it when Dean suffered. He wanted Dean to experience the same helplessness until he remembered with horror that Dean had literally been through hell and had already experienced too much suffering in his life. 

No, he didn’t want Dean to suffer. But he didn’t want Dean to inflict any on him either. His breathing quickened, and Castiel wanted to scream because he hated not being able to control this feeling, this powerlessness. 

Dean, who had only eyed him during his outburst, in between angrily twisting the corners of his mouth, raised his hands defensively after what felt like an eternity. "I deserve this,“ Dean muttered as he began to sob, and Castiel narrowed his eyes. 

It wasn’t like Dean not to say something defensive or even mean in response. He sighed. "To answer your question, yes, I want you to stay. Me being around you is all I wanted.“ 

And then a tear rolled down his cheek again, another unmistakable proof that he couldn’t fool himself. The only person who made his heart trip, the only person he desired, was Dean.

The tension that laid over the whole room dissolved gradually. 

"Are you up for some TV?“ Dean required. He stretched, and Castiel’s eyes darted over his upper arms, his back, moved back to his face. "Yes. I cannot concentrate on reading anymore,“ Castiel admitted, leaving unmentioned that it was entirely up to Dean. 

"Okay, fantastic. I’ll order some pizza. I’m starving.“ Dean scrolled around on his phone, apparently looking for a nearby pizza place that offered delivery service.  
"That sounds wonderful,“ Castiel finally groaned.

Dean’s head jerked up and the phone dropped to the floor. "Fuck, I- of course, tell me what you want, and I’ll get it for you. I- I have to get used to this. Please, bear with me. You being human is so new for me.“ Dean spoke so hastily that Castiel had trouble understanding him. 

"It’s nothing bad though, ya hear me? It’s just a new version of you, but it doesn’t change you. You’re still my best friend. My Cas.“ He looked at Castiel pleadingly, shouting something at him with his eyes, quite as if he wanted Castiel to take the message and divide it apart. 

"Dean, are you alright?“, Castiel asked out of habit after they had eaten the pizza, even if he had the feeling Dean would not answer him. Intuition was what people called this kind of feeling, and Castiel was getting better at recognizing it.

Finally, Dean’s eyes held him and pulled him along, dragging him away from this emptiness. The dim light of the motel room lit one half of Dean’s face, caused new, exciting shades of green to appear in Dean’s eyes. Castiel found a few golden sprinkles and so many emotions. 

Then Dean was suddenly in front of him, pulling him up into an embrace, not a short one, but a long, intimate one. 

"Missed ya,“ Dean murmured into the crook of his neck, sighing softly. Castiel’s bitter side wanted to scream at him, wanted to know an answer to the question that was painting his brain. He wanted to ask Dean, "Then why did you kick me out in the first place?“ but he was afraid of the answer, didn’t want to be overcome by the wave of pain again. 

Instead, he leaned deeper into the embrace, sinking into Dean’s arms as if into a warm blanket, and murmured, "And I missed you.“ 

He was sure Dean hadn’t missed him in the same way. That Dean hadn’t been startled up from sleep at night in a sweat because he had bled out in front of his eyes again. That he hadn’t lain awake late at night imagining the other looking at him again in that caring, almost adoring way. In some distant, unreachable future or other reality. 

And certainly Dean had not pined for him. The feeling of missing was the worst for Castiel. He knew no cure, found nothing to help it. When he was cold, he turned up the heat, dressed warmer. When he was sad, melancholy, he distracted himself with a cartoon series. When he was in pain, he swallowed a pill or took a hot shower. He knew physical pain would pass. Eventually. 

The emotional pain, however, haunted him like a demonic shadow. His heart made connections his mind could not agree with and the other way around. 

"Still there, Cas?“ Dean asked after two minutes in which they hadn’t moved an inch from each other. Castiel carefully broke away from the embrace and looked deeply into Dean’s eyes. Only now Castiel saw that his expression was far from carefree, that behind the cheeky facade something else was written. Tiredness, sadness and - fear? 

Dean turned on the TV, flopped down on the bed, and moved back and forth until he had assumed an obviously comfortable position in front of the pillows. Castiel rose as well.  
"What do ya think you’re doing?“ Dean asked directly as ever.  
"Laying down on the couch?“

"Nope, not on my watch. You, my very best friend, will sleep in a bed tonight. C’mere. Bed’s big enough. Unless you don’t want me to sleep here too. Then I’ll go to the sofa.“

Castiel felt his cheeks grow warm. "Like you said: The bed is big enough. I am not going to argue with your logic.“

Dean laughed. "Cas, you’re adorable.“ Dean said it without any ulterior motive, and Cas felt special and great. On top of that, he felt confused, so confused because he could not grasp the situation’s development. He climbed next to Dean, positioned himself at the far end of the bed. Castiel sank into the mattress which wasn’t as soft as the one in the bunker but still wholesome for his aching back. 

"Here.“ Dean had thrown a T-shirt at him. "Shower or not, you’re still in the old shirt.“ Castiel nodded, and unbuttoned his shirt, not without getting nervous. The T-shirt smelled fresh and of lavender, and felt soft against his skin. 

They were watching a drama, Into the Wild, and the theme of breaking out of the usual and the little stories the protagonist experienced on his journey, the people he met, caused a whirlpool of emotions. 

He thought of all that he had swallowed down and buried deep inside. He thought of the fallen angels, of his time as a human, of his failures. He thought of Dean, of all the memories they had built together, of the fun.

Then he thought of all the nights he hadn’t been able to sleep because he had missed Dean so much. He thought of recent events, of Ephraim, who had made him realize that he was not happy at all. He started to cry, quietly at first so Dean wouldn’t notice. Then he could no longer control himself, and he sobbed incessantly. 

"You okay, Cas?“

"No. I am most certainly not.“

"Mmm, yeah. Me neither. Move closer to me.“

"What?“

"You heard me.“ 

And then he moved closer, and Dean put an arm around his shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze. To his amazement, Castiel felt calmer, no longer so anxious.

They didn’t talk, but Dean stroked his arm with his hands. Very gently, carefully. His fingers felt rough, a result of the hunts, his movements were all the more thoughtful and tender for it. First he used his hands, then only individual fingers, each touching a different part of his arm, then just the tips of his fingers. "You are not alone, Cas. I-I will always be there for you. I promise.“ And Castiel believed him, at that moment believed him. 

Dean turned to the side, straightened up a bit and examined Castiel closely. "You want me to tell you something about humans, buddy? Something I painfully relearn every day?“ His gaze flitted over Castiel’s face, practically scanning it with his eyes. Castiel registered that they were lingering on his lips as well, but didn’t know if Dean was aware of it. "Please, tell me,“ Castiel muttered.

Dean didn’t take his eyes off him, not for a second, and swallowed. 

"Humans tend to have a fixed image of the surrounding people. You get pigeonholed, whether you belong there or not. And sometimes, like in my case, humans go to a hell of a lot of trouble to make sure that the others leave you right in that pigeonhole because it’s easier. You do that, willingly and knowing that it’s going to tear you apart and leave you alone, even though you- even though I want to experience other things, feel something different.“ 

Castiel’s breath caught. What was happening here? What had gotten into Dean? He was like changed, suddenly so open and honest and there. Dean cleared his throat and fixed a spot on the ugly green-and-yellow-patterned wallpaper. "I understand,“ Castiel said, after pondering Dean’s words for some time. 

"I know you react that way. I’ve always known what it’s really like inside you, but it frustrated me that you denied your more honest feelings and behaved like that.“

"Like an asshole?“ Dean grinned at him again, in that mischievous way. Cheeky and open, the way he’d been to him when he wasn’t trying to put his hatred above everything else. His eyes sparkled, and briefly Castiel was tempted to sink into them like he always did. No. Dean wouldn’t. He had sent him away. 

So Castiel just laughed softly. "Yes, that is true as well. I meant – lost.“ 

Dean swallowed, still looking urgently at Castiel. More seriously now. "Shall we make a deal?“

Castiel tilted his head in confusion. He didn’t know if he liked how hopeful and sincere Dean’s voice had sounded. "Explain,“ he pleaded.

"Lemme take care of you tonight. Let me - let us pretend we don’t have to part ways tomorrow,“ he whispered hoarsely, and Castiel could feel Dean’s hot breath on his face. 

When had Dean come closer? When had his face taken on that determined expression? So tender and troubled and - for lack of a better description - passionate? Castiel felt Dean’s hand on his thigh, his other hand on his back, and his heart raced. He saw Dean’s face so close and easily could have counted every single freckle if he hadn’t been in a complete turmoil.

"Okay,“ Castiel replied, deciding that he couldn’t possibly feel any worse. That he wanted to know what Dean had meant by his comment. 

"Okay,“ Dean murmured. 

Then he shook his head, took a deep breath. "Cas, you gotta stop looking at me like that. I swear to God, I’m only human.“ Normally Castiel would have laughed at the comment, but now he felt he couldn’t. 

Dean pulled Castiel closer to him. Soon Castiel’s head was resting on his chest. All the while Dean was cuddling his back, his arms, and drawing patterns on his skin. Castiel didn’t understand what was going on, but this was a situation he never would have expected with Dean. 

Cuddling closer to him, he absorbed the beating of Dean’s heart which was still a bit accelerated but not in a bad way, Castiel observed. It was adrenaline, the same he had experienced, and maybe a little joy. 

Listening to the boom boom, feeling the even rise and fall of Dean’s chest calmed his worries for the time being, putting wonderful memories of Dean’s smiles and smirks, his flirtatious winks, his raised eyebrows and wrinkled nose into his mind. He reflected the sound of his drumming laughter, clicking of his tongue which showed itself annoyed, impatient and motivating, his lips when pursed in anger or slightly opened in curiosity or amusement. 

All the time he smelled him, more clearly than ever. There was the familiar scent, lemon balm and pine, but also some hints of sweat, a musky tone and remaining tones of his shower foam. Castiel felt, and smelled and heard so much in his mind, in this room and with his heart he suppressed the urge to chuckle and cry simultaneously. 

Memories were always overwhelming him this but as it stood the reality, being with Dean again, was so much more. At this moment he also sensed the warmth of Dean’s body, his limbs which seemed to fit perfectly into his body form, his fingers caressing him. 

They traced his skin like a map, looking for a secret path, and then again Dean used slightly more pressure, putting him under his protection and care here in the motel. It was so much, humans felt so much all the time, and it seemed with Dean he felt everything. 

"I was jealous earlier,“ Dean whispered into the silence.  
"When-why?“

"Your date. The- I didn’t like the thought. I thought I had to - you know, make you smile. And I fucking failed at that. And I know I’m a mess and an ass. I know. I am so sorry, Cas. You gotta believe me.“ Dean sniffled and made an annoyed noise. Castiel moved out of the embrace, propping himself up on his arm so he could look at Dean. "I believe you,“ Castiel said. 

"Awesome,“ Dean replied in his old manner, which made Castiel smile. At last, he felt calm, and he wished, wished so much, that it could always be like this.  
"Holy shit, Cas, you’re driving me up the wall here. You gotta stop looking at me like that, I mean it.“  
"Why? I always look at you this way.“ 

Dean laughed gravelly and throatily, so that his whole body vibrated, and his lips twisted - suggestively? That was what Castiel saw, but it couldn’t be, could it?  
"That’s my frigging point, pal,“ he mumbled, licking his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: They kiss. :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here comes chapter 3. :) Enjoy!

Just looking at his full lips, Castiel felt different. Dean was a beautiful man, he possessed many attractive body parts, that was common knowledge. What had become clear to him, however, at the latest now as a human, was that he also found Dean attractive. And his soul was another level of beauty anyhow. 

Yes, he desired Dean. Only him. At that moment, he knew he would accept whatever Dean would give him, no matter how pathetic he felt afterwards. All at once, Dean pulled him close by his waist, and some switch flipped in Castiel.

Awkwardly, he pressed his mouth to Dean’s, moving his lips chastely against his. Dean remained motionless until he returned the kiss, intensifying it. Cas breathed frantically, panicked, before pulling away from him. Dean nudged Castiel’s nose with his and grinned wryly. 

"I am truly sorry, Dean. I should not have done that. I- What is happening?“ Cas whispered against his lips. "I feel so warm and everything is tingling. I- “

Dean stopped him by rolling onto Castiel and kissing him again. The passion Castiel was now confronted with made him want to kiss Dean harder.

He felt Dean’s tongue tip against his lower lip, so gently. Castiel allowed its entry, enjoying the sensation far too much. He put his arms around Dean’s neck, reflexively nuzzling his neck with his nails, unable to get enough of him and his soft lips. 

Dean moaned into his mouth, and it was a sound that made all of Castiel’s hairs stand up. He felt warmth inside him, so much warmth, and he knew nothing would ever come close to those feelings. So he kissed him more feverishly, wanted to show Dean which emotions he caused in him. 

Dean groaned so loudly that Castiel was certain it would be audible in the next room. "Need you.“ Dean licked over Castiel’s bottom lip, exhaling sharply afterwards. Then Castiel saw Dean’s face right in front of him, his eyes watching him. Dean’s nose wandered along his throat, jaw, wandered higher again. 

He rested his forehead against Castiel’s, never averting his eyes. Castiel saw his eyes so close, he noticed how wet Dean’s eyelashes were. Singular tear drops, nesting there. 

"Need you always, Cas,“ Dean growled now. "Fucking hated sending you away.“ Castiel felt Dean’s body even closer now, could feel his muscles. Dean’s belt hurt him a bit, it was too angular, but Castiel leaned into him anyway.

Dean’s lips were soft, warm and they tasted phenomenal. It felt so natural, their mouths moving against each other. Castiel gripped Dean’s back hard, with desperation. Out of reflex he wrapped his thighs around Dean’s waist, humping against him. "Fuck,“ Dean moaned. 

In another movement, Castiel felt getting shifted. His mind was spinning, his body warm, his heart full. He felt hands. Everywhere, exploring his arms and chest and legs and cradling his face. Lips. Lips. Dean’s lips cherishing him. Teeth. Dean nibbed at his neck now, causing a tingling sensation in Castiel’s body. He sucked harder, mumbling "Cas“. Then gasping. Sighing with pleasure. 

And now Castiel couldn’t control it anymore, this warmth. "Dean,“ he breathed, and Dean gurgled, used his tongue so skillfully now. "Losing my mind, Cas.“

Castiel didn’t know why, maybe it was the way Dean’s voice had changed, the deep, velvety sound, but Castiel felt goosebumps on parts of his body he hadn’t considered before. He wanted to hear this sound again, and wanted to feel Dean’s tongue. Hands.  
And he wanted to touch Dean, fondle him, discover everything. He felt too much. His desire drummed over him like rain drops, washing his worries away before transforming into soft droplets of a summer rain. Warm, comforting, giving life. Sweetly carving into his skin, claiming every fiber of his body. 

Eventually, he was not sure he could think anymore. Dean still moaned, and Castiel had always expected him to be vocal while being intimate. But Dean was also so passionate and tender and pure. 

Castiel rose his body a bit, needed to feel more. He sucked Dean’s lips now, the way he remembered Dean having done it. He sucked, bit them, licked them. Apparently he wasn’t bad because Dean shoved himself onto him harder. Closer, closer. And he fiddled at Castiel’s shirt, and suddenly his hands were on his hips, touching bare skin.  
"Dean, I am so- so.“ Castiel couldn’t finish his sentence because Dean kissed him more urgently now, tonelessly yelling at him with his lips. Yelling – what?  
Castiel didn’t know, he wanted to understand. He kissed Dean with all his hidden feelings and adoration, and demonstrated him what he had buried deep within himself before. 

Dean’s lips were calmer now, his hands feather-like on his bare skin. Being kissed so tenderly felt wonderful and inexplicable. "Mmm," Dean breathed. "Mmm.“ And the sound vibrated against Castiel’s lips, flowed into him like a wave, churning him up. 

They kissed and kissed and kissed until Castiel’s jaw hurt and lips burned. It was the most delicious pain he ever felt. Still, his body wanted more, demanded almost as much as his heart yearned. 

Therefore, he was all the more disappointed when Dean broke the kiss, but maintained the closeness. Still Castiel stroked his neck and closed his legs tighter around Dean’s body. He wanted to enjoy. Those new feelings. This tingling sensation. This closeness. 

Dean’s hand resting on Castiel’s back intensified the desire for closeness. His other hand caressed Castiel’s cheek. Castiel was only subliminally aware of all this because he was looking at Dean questioningly.

Again he moved closer to him, could feel his whole body. "Dammit, Cas, stop!“ Castiel’s heart was hammering so hard in his chest he could hear it in his ears. "I can’t!“ 

"But...“, Castiel continued, not understanding the meaning of Dean’s words. "You wanted to kiss me too, didn’t you?“ It became apparent that he had no real experience with kissing.

Dean smirked and let out a huff. "Course, man. Want more than that. I just don’t wanna take advantage of you. You’re emotional at the moment, and it was a tough day.“

Dean then moved closer to him, putting one leg between Castiel’s thighs, and pulled Castiel towards him. Suddenly, Castiel felt Dean’s erection graze his stomach. Butterflies fluttered through his stomach. Did he find him arousing? An inappropriate giggle escaped Castiel’s lips, and he felt as if he had been given wings again. 

"That was about the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced dressed,“ Dean whispered, sounding hoarse. 

"Dean,“ Castiel murmured again. Maybe the kisses they had just experienced had been a special situation. They would probably wake up the next morning, never to speak of it again. But Castiel thought to himself that now he understood why people were so eager to kiss. 

As he slowly woke up the next morning, he felt Dean’s breath on his neck. Dean’s arms were enclosing his upper body, and after a small movement on his part, he instinctively pulled Castiel closer to him. Although it was unusual for him to wake up so close to another person and not alone, he felt immensely comfortable. 

Again, the thought occurred to him that Dean basically always gave him a sense of belonging. The familiar smell of lemon balm and pine rose to his nose. He felt secure and couldn’t remember ever being so rested after sleeping. Castiel turned slightly, wanting to stretch his limbs away from him, but Dean only embraced him tighter. 

Dean hummed in his sleep, and for a moment Castiel wished he could still look into Dean’s dreams. Visit him there, even if in reality he was somewhere else entirely, not with him. Furthermore, Castiel wished he could still hear Dean’s prayers, feel the yearning Dean sometimes displayed in them because Castiel always pretended it was for him. Castiel’s arm rested on Dean’s chest as Dean continued to breathe quietly. He liked to experience this peaceful side of Dean, to witness him when he wasn’t full of worry for once. 

Then Dean moved, apparently in the process of waking up. A few seconds later, he gently stroked Castiel’s hair out of his face, lowered his hand onto Castiel’s and clasped it. Castiel was lolling. He straightened up to look properly at Dean, and, closing his eyes again, yawned softly, dropped back down. With his cheek he touched Dean’s shirt and partly his torso, because his T-shirt had slipped a little. Everything felt so warm. 

Suddenly he felt a light, but also loving pressure on his hand. Castiel carefully lifted his head and looked straight ahead. He looked first at his hand, which was in Dean’s, and then at his face. He was not asleep, but his eyes were closed. Castiel looked at him like that for a long time. He looked adorable. And then Dean turned Castiel in his arms and kissed his forehead. The corner of Dean’s mouth played around a small smile. "Morning, sunshine.“

"Good morning, Dean,“ Castiel said calmly, though there was chaos inside him.  
"Cas, I-“ Castiel pressed his hand over his mouth.  
"I know. You have to go. I’m prepared for this.“ The truth was, he wasn’t prepared. The truth was that he wanted to wake up like this every day. The truth was that now that he knew how tender Dean could be and that there was obviously something between them, he wanted more. So much more.

Dean rolled his eyes playfully. "I was gonna say that I slept so deeply, so much better than I’ve ever done, but way to destroy the mood, dork.“ He grinned at Cas and drew his head closer to him. 

"Cas, I want you to know that- I need you so much. But not in the way that you feel obligated to do something for me. I need you as you. I need you because you get me – and you’re fantastic. Please, don’t forget this even if I’m-“  
"Nasty again?“  
Dean shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah.“ 

Castiel reflected on the day and night they had spent together. He thought about their fighting, Dean’s insinuations, the intimacy, the things articulated and left unspoken. He thought about his own desires and his former fear of losing Dean. 

"Dean, can I ask you something?“  
"Depends,“ Dean replied immediately and sighed. "Shoot.“

"Do you think sometimes people want things, and they refrain from pursuing them because they are forcefully set on a different path?“ 

Dean growled, leaning his forehead against Castiel’s. His breathing was so choppy, so loud, Castiel realized Dean was nervous, too. 

Why? What was it that was upsetting him? Castiel wanted to ask him about it, he wanted to know everything. 

"Well, the healing angel made quite an example of that, didn’t he?“ Dean said and laughed, but it was a fake laugh.  
"Dammit. You really want to make this a chick flick moment, huh?“ Dean groaned loudly again and shut his mouth. He remained silent.

Only after two minutes did he clear his throat, until he finally replied in a low voice, "Yeah, I suppose that’s the whole fucking truth.“ 

And then Dean pulled him into another embrace, and held him so tightly as if he didn’t want to let him go. 

He knew Dean would leave again, and he was afraid of the time to come. He wanted to know when the secret Dean had to keep from him would end. He trusted Dean. 

In fact, Castiel thought, they were not looking in a different direction at all. In fact, they were still looking at each other, just as spellbound, just as consuming and engaging. 

But the world, it tugged at them, tore them apart, not knowing what to do with this intensity, this otherworldly thing between Castiel and Dean. 

Like Castiel himself. 

And maybe they had to lean against the world like against the strongest tornado. Maybe they could learn to fight their tornados - the outside influences - and eventually turn them in their favor. Maybe, then, they could exist in their own absorbent funnel together. 

As Dean buried his fingers in Castiel’s hair, running his nose tenderly along Castiel’s neck, murmuring his name longingly over and over, Castiel felt nothing but warmth and hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please, let me know what you think. :) 
> 
> I'm working on more fics at the moment. 
> 
> Say hi to me on Tumblr: @dean-and-cas-at-the-sea :)


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